Portions for Foxes

I feel like it's a big thing you know? Like when Bella jumped off the cliff just to know she's alive.

I've been really tired lately, and really out of sync, which is okay... all consequences of my choices.
I have my weigh in tomorrow for weight watchers, because I totally accidentally slept in earlier and missed my meeting, hahaha.
So i have to wake up doubley early to get to the 8am meeting tomorrow. Fun fun.

I've been really good this week about eating my points and trying to stay active, cause god know i totally fell off that bandwagon.

Lately there's this feeling coming over me, and the only way i know how to describe it is, "I feel like Pam from The Office when she confronts everyone". hahaha, that's not even a "feeling" term.
I guess i feel... left out and unnoticed? I mean, well duh people say hi and whatever, normalcy stuff that people do and say on a day to day basis when they don't realize their living.
But..I dooon't know. I feel weird inside.

It's like... when I e-mailed a TON of people- friends, close co workers and other people trying to lose weight, asking them to write down a couple encouraging words for me on a post it so I could have some extra motivation on my weight loss, a fucking journey that i know is going to be a lifetime- no one did it. not one person even responded with anything slightly motivational or encouraging. what the fuck?
I was straining enough to write that e-mail. I hate asking for help. I fucking hate it, and the fact that no one responded just cements the way I feel about people being "generally good". I don't see it.

And what the heck is up with my brother and sister in law saying they were going to visit last sunday then not coming?
I call and no one picks up. I get a text from them asking when I will visit next, and i reply with, "what hapened this past sunday, weren't you guys supposed to drive over?" and not getting a response back.
Oh yeah, they were in Disney.

I feel like NY wasn't vacation enough. I really need to get away for longer, much longer.
If people only knew, only knew the small amount of pressure I feel every day, and the non-release I get when I ask for an ounce of help.

It sucks, it really does.
And i'm really tired of making other people a priority when they've all made me an option.

Story Of My Life...

Flapping leaves caught in grass, resembling fish wings caught on nets
Clicking back and forth, anticipating its end of times like
Departing flight boards laughing above ripped leather seats

Unlike the ebb of tide that pulses in and out
My core clicks. Stacatto. Sharp. Defined.
It's black or white or nothing at all,
Love or hate, it's never gray

Business or pleasure, it can't be both
Tell me what you want, playtime is over
From click to click, which will you be?
Silence or the sound? that's all I mean

"I don't know" "lets see what happens"
Are unacceptable, don't pass GO
Silence over, I've clicked to hate
To hate your gray area

Just chose from left or right
Your thick black line that divides kills
Me inside. You try to be both right or wrong
Never the option of "yes" or "no"

The clicks are quickening, nervously tapping in
Between the sounds of you and me
My circle is incomplete, standing on the cliff of
Yin waiting for Yang, silently yearning for an answer back

Back to hate, it happens so fast
An 'im passe' for now, until your answer, Yang
reverberates back that in fact
one plus one is one.

Moi? a teacher?

I visited my adorable little sister today.
Completely sassy, but she's doing a lot better at listening.
I stayed in class with her today after lunch, and her teacher Ms. Raghoo is AWESOME. She's so funny, messes with the kids and lets me do whatever i want with the time Jolicia and i have together.

Today the whole class worked on math problems, lo and behold... when work time was finished, Ms. Raghoo told me to run over the questions on the overhead with the whole class.
It was so cool, these normally bad kids were all quiet, and "ooo"ed and "aaaahh"ed to get called on when we were going over questions. It was really cool, cause i thought the kids were going to make fun of me? or ignore me? but they all call me Jolicias big sister,, and it was really fun running the class for a couple minutes!

yay!

Jolicia and I at lunch: